Dear Readers,

I feel I must apologise to you. I haven't been around for you over this past fortnight, when I was most needed. I could not tell you why, as I was involved in a mission of utmost secrecy. 

At 0750 hours on July 30, 2009, I parachuted into Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. In order to remain unnoticed, I didn't parachute, rather, I jumped on an Air New Zealand flight [a very good Air New Zealand flight, although turbulence at Wellington Airport + takeoff in pitch black = much gripping of armrests] and did everything, including going through customs.

I was to stay at a safehouse in the inner-city suburb of Fitzroy, maintained by New Zealand operatives. After a taxi ride manned by a deaf Australian driver [or he was pretending to be deaf to learn our secrets], I arrived and set up base camp, only to find in order to avoid being detected, this safehouse operated under radio silence 24/7 - that means no internet! I did not mind though, as it would allow me to record my findings at a later date and avoid being censored.

 After figuring out the city's transport systems in order to better coordinate our insurgency, my accomplice and I set off to the Sandown Racetrack to find out more about the variety of vehicles these bacwards folk use to get around.

 There we were confronted and assaulted by a spectacular herd of beasts, all extremely loud, with a penchant for running around a racetrack and staying within the confines of a fence, sometimes disobeying their human tamers. These are apparently called 'V8 Supercars'.

 The process of gathering intel about these peculiar creatures took several days, but we have managed to identify three main threats:

1. A car owned by 'Videophone', tamed by a fellow named Jaymoi Whinecup. Several references were made to him being the 'series leader' over the weekend, so he must be a captain of sorts.
2. The 'Haich Argh Tee' team of Garth Tender and Woyal Davison. This pairing led the rest of the stampede for the second race on Sunday.
3. The 'DJer' of James Cowtney. Many, many times he was mentioned as being particularly fast, confident and has apparently been in several skirmishes with other cars, which leads me to assume he is a relative youngling, attempting to take Alpha Male status in the group.

 After we shifted focus from this peculiar practice, we asked our hosts if there were any other villains we should keep our eyes on, as the risks posed by The Evil Wizard Mortlock appears to have been quelled by our fierce All Blacks. I was shocked to hear that a young man called Harmichael Kunt had decided to switch battalions, moving to a special-ops squad which is based exclusively in Australia, and can no longer be monitored by the Warriors. This special-ops squad is called Gold Coast Football Club and operates in the AFL battalion. He garnered significant newspaper coverage, so will be one to monitor in the future. He is expected to be deployed in 2011.

 I could not allow my national loyalties to completely die, however. Although I was informed it could jeopardise my cover, I watched the All Blacks test against South Africa. It took me all day to find a suitable venue, as apparently Australians do not enjoy allowing us to follow our mighty Blacks. Two bars in Melbourne show rugby union matches consistently. For operatives who will be deployed in the future, these are The Royal Derby Hotel in Fitzroy, and The Maori Chief, established in 1867 in South Melbourne.

 This concludes my report into the activitied of our Australian counterparts, but I would caution that we must keep an eye on them. I could not help but get the distinct feeling they were not satisfied with their thievery of Robbinson Deans, and are planning another expedition across the Tasman to kidnap more of our brave men. Keep your eyes sharp!

Ahead of my trip to Melbourne to watch the V8 Supercars in a fortnight, I thought I'd share one of the most defining moments in the sport for me. When I was a kid, one of my favourite drivers was Glenn Seton. As you'll see in this clip, he was cruising in the lead at Bathurst when he suffered a mechanical failure - He could continue, but his speed was drastically reduced. Meanwhile, Larry Perkins, who had been lapped at the start of the day, was charging hard. It became a game of cat and mouse, as Seton desperately tried to hold on to his lead.

It's also got a great example of what sports interviews used to be like and how the emotion could come shining through before PR took over.

Back when V8 Supercars was still called ATCC this happened:

It was a very dark day for Australian motoracing and the media storm was immense. Bear in mind this is two teammates contesting the win - the same as if Schalk Burger had a scrap with Bakkies Botha against the Lions. The only incident I've seen to truly rival this was Mark Skaife's 'fistpump' at Russell Ingall in 2004.

I'm a big fan of V8 Supercars, as you already know. I also like Craig Lowndes. And computers. But I don't like breast cancer. Now I can use the first three things to try to stamp out the last one. YAY!

Unfortunately the Norton ad isn't as good as the ones on his craft:

Indulge me for a second and forge­t about the BLACKCAPS, Super 14 and N­RL. The best­ sports series in the world, IMHO, is about to kick off next weekend.

In a backward town in Australia, where driving across town means changing time zones, ­28 V8 monsters will power up and take to the track over three days.

For me this means the end of summer and the start of the sporting season proper. All the silly season rumours have been confirmed or quelled, and the last bean of curiosity has been picked as a result of photos taken by those who attended this week's testing at Queensland Raceway.

Take a second to plunge right in and check out some of them, and a mini-backstory on their pilots.

Read on!