Boomshanka starts us off with the lead-off single on the Blues

yeearch...

Sometimes when you get close there's no cigars for you.

The enertainment delivered, the lead changed, the Blues backs had
solidity, but 'just scored' complacency crept into the game... not
good against a hungry New South Welshman at home... chewing on the cud
and  shit. in that field that time.

What will the Blues make of this? Season vapour? Still semi's
potential if they focus?

Fuck Yeah. Aspects are improving. They are developing a rhythm. But
this is where it gets hard(er). And opportunitys like that will
require the opposition being in the coffin and having the nail put
into it.

Then there's Richard Irvine's interpretation of the Chiefs

Hopefully at the end of this season, we'll be laughing about this low point when we're celebrating our first Super 14 title while dancing through the streets of Hamilton trying to keep down Waikato Draught burps (WD is notoriously gassy, team).

Yes, this was a shitty game, and I was really shitty afterwards, having wasted valuable Friday night sleeping time (you may imagine the sportreview life is a rock n roll one, but you'd be wrong, very wrong) to watch it live. The Chiefs were up against a wave of emotion on the back of Julian Huxley's return to Rugby after a brain tumour and offside adjudicating as fair as a kick in the nuts.

And yet we were right in it until the end. I can't understand why Masanga wasn't given more ball, he looked dangerous to me. I also can't understand why we kicked all our posession away as if he ball was covered in sick. The bright spot was the defence - which was lucky, as we spent vast periods of time in our own half and without the ball like 15 unemployed ball boys.  

So, like I say, let's move on. Those wins on the road are becoming more and more handy, and if we can attack like we've been defending, we'll be right.

Next, poor bloody Jimmy who's actually the only supporter of a winning team this week - the Highlanders

Now I'm up about the Hurricanes.

I'm being lazy and linking to this, which says pretty much everything I was gonna write.

http://wotzon.com/diary/JBishop/

Other than to add WE'VE ALWAYS RUN IT FROM OUR OWN HALF.

Partly because we've never had a world-class first-five, partly because IT'S EXCITING!

Examples:

And last - and possibly least - Isaac Ross' fitness consultant.

I did see this live, but passed on it for Amberlamps. But due to a distinct lack of noteworthy hits, and this entry's ability to conclusively define the term 'hospital pass', it's in.

Two entries over 5 weeks of the S14, both from my Hurricanes. What's going on?

You can see the first nominee here.

Rugby Review is a new series debuting for The Dropkicks. Put simply, it's a way of following a team through the fans eyes. Are Crusaders fans really one-eyed? Have Highlanders fans lost all hope? You'll follow the team through 5 fans. I'm looking for someone to do the

Blues each week, so please leave a comment if you want to do this!

The Chiefs: By long-time friend of The Dropkicks, Richard Irvine

John Mitchell talks you through the Chiefs vs Western Force.

G'day. I'm John Mitchell. You may remember me from 'sitting next to Clive Woodward like a sack of wet sand' and 'I can't believe the All Black coach hasn't been sacked yet!'. That one came out in 2003. So the Chiefs played the Force on Saturday night; I have fond memories of Waikato and the Chiefs - I had hair then - so I want to see them do well. On the other hand, the Force are a pack of whinging little bitches, and I want to see their hearts ripped out, piled on the 22, then set on fire.

Just joking!

Luckily, the Chiefs came to the party and bitchslapped them. Good one. If those Aussies hadn't gone all Lord Of The Flies on me, they'd be the fucking Crusaders by now. I think the lesson in this match is "This is what happens when you fuck Mitch in the arse". For the Chiefs, who are three from three, I think the lesson is "Watch your back" - life plays some fucked up hands, and just when your career is going great, there are ALWAYS people out there wanting to stick a knife in your back. Always. Take it from Mitch, I know.

The Crusaders by Ti'i Paulo's 'special nutritionist' As predicted, it was a good week for the Crusaders. They played the Sharks, at home, on Friday night and I was much more pleased by their performance. The Crusaders had not been defeated by a South African Super Rugby team at home since 1996, and I was glad to see this remain.

The game was light-years better than last week’s game, against the Reds. There wasn’t anything overly spectacular about the game. It was just a good game of rugby. It was such a massive improvement, it was like watching a completely different team!

As I have left this review to the last minute, I’m just going to sum up the Crusaders' ROUND THREE

Richie, AKA God, is back.

Outstanding scrums.

Up at half time: Ten – Six.

Never would've known we lost so badly last week.

Dan Carter overtook Matt Burke on the all-time Super rugby scorer’s list. (Now 3rd)

Thirty five – Six: Final Score.

Hottie, Zac Guildford: Multiple tries. One intercept try.

Runaway ending. Two tries in 10minutes.

Epically annihilating tackles.

Exceptional crowd attendance.

I'm looking forward to much of the same in Round Four.

Hurricanes, by me

King Carlos came to town and he brought the Clever kid. 'Los didn't do a hell of a lot - and got a lot of sledging thrown his way from those in the crowd - and I'm not sure what people expected him to do anyway. Lining up outside it looked like there'd be an amazing crowd - it took us 20m to get in in the first place. But it wasn't. It was an ok crowd, but surely not much more than 16,000.

If you could look up the Hurricanes on unencyclopedia, this would be the match that accompanied it, with this blurb.

The Hurricanes are a team based in Wellington, New Zealand. They play their home games at the Biscuit Tin. The Hurricanes have historically been a team with a lot of promising talent, but often that talent has been squandered in favour of white line fever. This sports team simply refuses to learn the basics, opting instead for flashy, 50/50 ball play [which is more often than not 20/80].

The February 27, 2010 match against the Lions was the personification of this. The Lions were not fancied to win this game, as they have been shown to have a weak defence. The Hurricanes decided to exploit this by trying to set up 60m solo tries, instead of getting the team to work together to get 4 quick tries - securing a bonus point - and then resort to flashy football.

We're off to South Africa for three weeks, minus Conrad and Tamati this week, and the Pig for a season.

Oh, and can I say the Seal Slayer's try against the Lions was amazing and hilarious. Best bit of rugby satire I've ever seen.

The Highlanders, by Jimmy. 

This game is the first one this year that's highlighted what for me is the major deficiency of "Super" rugby. Waking up at 4am on a Sunday is hard. You might wonder why I was waking up at 4am? Well, try as I might I just couldn't find a replay of the game being shown at a reasonable hour on Sunday. There were replays of the Crusaders' game, which you may recall was played at NZ time, and replays of the Blues' game which finished well before midnight. So someone at Sky clearly doesn't think anyone wants to watch the Highlanders play at a normal time of the day.*

The scheduling of the kickoff in the afternoon can't have helped either, it would have made more sense to have a night game in Africa, which I think could have been 6:30am here in New Zealand. These crazy time zone differences are why I got really excited by the idea of changing Super rugby to being more of a Champions League type competition, which would help to limit the amount of time players have to spend miles away from home. That, or just ditching the Africans from the competition and playing with Pacific and Asian teams; though I suppose that would probably kill the presumably big earner of the Tri-Nations.

Anyway, all of that is by the by, because I haven't been asked to deliver a state of the Union, but rather a fan's perspective of Highlanders games, so I should probably crack into it. The Highlanders won!!! I don't think they won pretty, and maybe they were robbed of a bonus point, but bagging 4 points in Africa is a big achievement at any stage; even if the win is agains the Cheetahs who apparantely haven't won back to back since they returned to the comp.

I couldn't believe the investment the Highlanders were making in Hobbs when they have Robbie Robinson in the squad, but the guy has sure proven me wrong. He's put in solid performances in the first 3 rounds, and scored 4 tries to boot. I think the balance of the team with Shoemark at 12 (surely he's more natural there than at centre, what with his good kicking game?) and Lynn at 13 was great. As awesome as Jayden Hayward can be, I think he's a little too inconsistent at this level yet, and having a relative veteran like Shoemark outside Hobbs must surely be a calming influence on him.

However, I also liked the tactic of bringing Berquist on at the end to calm the tempo and keep the Cheetahs pushed back in their own half - that backline trio might be a good starting trio against some of the teams that can control their game better than the Cheetahs. Then you can bring Lynn on for Berquist and push Hobbs in one to up the tempo in the last 30 minutes.

Having praised the win, I did have some questions about the tactics the backs employed a lot of the night. It doesn't seem to me that the new rules make kicking possession away constantly a good idea. While Ben Smith had a great Air NZ Cup campaign last year, that hasn't yet translated into Super 14 form, so putting bombs up constantly basically means only Dagg is going to be able to get up in the air & compete for the ball. Dagg by the way, had a reasonably good game, especially with the added responsibility of having the goal kicking duties.

My only other comment on the backs, is that Jimmy Cowan had, by his standards, an average game. A couple of kicks went awry and he just wasn't his usual sharp and decisive self. Jimmy is awesome, and not just because he shares my name. I think its great how he shook off all of that (admittedly fairly self-inflicted) crap, and has really stood up and made the most of the opportunities he's had. Here's hoping he's back to his best next week, because the Highlanders need him at top form.

The forwards had solid games for the most part - I don't think they were being out-scrummed, but rather that the referee was allowing some fairly iffy tactics from the Cheetahs front row. The loose forwards were solid, and though Thompson looked a bit out of place at times at No 8, I like the additional pace that the trio had. Up against Smith & Broussow I think the really held their own. Its interesting how the effectiveness of Broussow has been nullified by the new rules - last year he might have earnt his team 10 penalties from his efforts at the breakdown, but now with the law being interpreted correctly (ok, differently) he had a quiet game.

Apart that is, from scoring the first of 3 tries to be sent to the TMO, and the one that I thought was the most obviously not a try. The ball hit the ground, but to my eyes at least he had clearly lost control of it prior to that. Smith's try I would have given the benefit of the doubt to, even though you couldn't actually see it hitting the ground - but the 'daylight' between ball and line for Thompson's disallowed try wasn't visible on my telly.

So, robbed of a bonus point, but 4 points in the bag in their first fixture in Africa. The Stormers should be a tougher prospect, but a winnable game - and if the improvements continue week to week the Bulls might be a competitive game. But coming up against a team that's had a nice break with the Bye week, I think im being overly optimistic there! Anyway, this is one pretty chuffed 'almost' fan!

* I'm willing to admit that i'm either blind or stupid and there may have been a replay that I just couldn't find when searching the Sky website. But to be fair, when I entered 'Highlanders' into their search box, only one result showed, and that was for a replay of a game in the future anyway. So, instead of a handy search feature I had to scroll manually through their fugly TV Guide thing, which is slow so I gave up after getting to Tuesday.

Rugby Review is a new series debuting for The Dropkicks. Put simply, it's a way of following a team through the fans eyes. Are Crusaders fans really one-eyed? Have Highlanders fans lost all hope? You'll follow the team through 5 fans.

The Chiefs: By long-time friend of The Dropkicks, Richard Irvine

Nobody's saying this is the future of Rugby. 137 points with 18 tries might save you the bother of fast forwarding the boring bits, and leave defensive purists reaching for their well worn 2000 Super 12 final VHS, but feck it, I don't care - I LIKE that every so often two teams in the right mood can produce a freak game. It's fun. This is only the second round, and if you can't mix it up and throw the ball around now, when are you going to?

My Chiefs, who lost their first two games last year and still made the final, have got their South African leg out of the way early, and won both matches. Richard Kahui is back, and Stephen Donald looks comfortable at the level that suits him best - many teams would love his experience and execution in their side. They won't be defending like this in May, I think they'll be better for this attacking hit out, and better because Sione Lauaki probably won't be wearing the captain's armband again. Of course, the main thing is games like this annoy Stephen Jones more than a long train trip in a carriage full of clowns. All of New Zealand can enjoy that.

The Crusaders: reviewed by Dan Carter's 'Special Masseuse'.

It was the one game of the year that really would’ve been better suited to the Comedy Channel. Yes, the Reds v Crusaders game played on Friday night. It was up there with the worst rugby games I have ever watched. 80, excruciating, minutes of non-stop shit rugby by the Crusaders. It was actually laughable.

As an avid Crusaders fan, I understand that every year they always start off slowly. But this game was something else. They were barely even worthy of being a Super Rugby Team. Yeah, I just said that.

With such an amazing record attached to the Crusaders I, along with the rest of the rugby world, expected more of the supreme team. 7-time Super Rugby Champions and they get beaten by the Reds. A team barely anyone remembers. It was shocking. You know it must have been really bad for me to admit that it. I was, for a moment, embarrassed to be supporting the team. However, even on a bad day I will remain a devoted supporter. They are marvellous.

We all know they are the greatest team of the competition but they way they played on Friday night was not even as good as a Second Division team. Too many basic errors, school boy errors. I can’t pin-point one word that sums up their performance but many words come to mind: horrendous, appalling, disastrous, error-strewn, unbearable. Basically it was the most hideous display of Crusaders’ rugby for a long time.

They played so well the week before that I gloated to people supporting other teams, mentioning that the Crusaders would continue on that momentous roll. It was the first game of the season and heeeeeello bonus point. It became apparent during round two that I had spoken too soon.

I’ll give credit where it is due: the Reds deserved to win. Simply put, they were the better team on the night. They absolutely pummelled the Crusaders, and I think it is what we needed. The Crusaders needed to be shown that even though they are the best they can’t get cocky and think they are unbeatable. They are a better side than the one that played on Friday, and we will get to see that they are this week. I have no doubt that we will see the Crusaders at their best this Friday. They are back home and will have wonderful supporters like myself there cheering them on. And...

Richie is back!!! He’s on the beach. He’s been away because of a clause in his NZRU contract, or something-or-other. Anyway, most important thing is that he is back! Along with being gorgeously good looking for the female viewers, he actually adds so much to the team. I know a team isn’t one man but as soon as he pops back in the mix everything changes. I think it is a little obvious I think Richie is God.

I believe psychics would be saying that round three will be a good one for the Crusaders.

Bring on Friday.

The Hurricanes: by yours truly

Honestly I don't think I can say anything about this game I won't say in the podcast. It was a game the 'Canes obviously came into treating as a practice run. Tamati's league-style play to set up Cory and David was outstanding, other than that it was a confidence-building game for the team against a schoolboy XV.

The Highlanders, by 'fan' Jimmy.

I should probably admit straight away that I'm not really a Highlanders fan. I mean, I do really like that they have a guy running round from time to time wielding a fricking claymore but, I live in Wellington and thus my primary allegiance is to the Hurricanes. The Highlanders are my second favourite team though, and in all games where they aren't playing the Hurricanes I'm rooting for the boys from the deep south. This essentially means that I'm constantly rooting for the underdog, because admit it- who really expects the Highlanders to win on a regular basis?

Knowing this helps to know why it is that I like the Highlanders. My second favourite NPC / - AirNZ Cup team has pretty much always been Southland. Perrenial strugglers that have come good and are now dominating their bigger Super rugby franchise player. Winning the log of wood was awesome and, I think anyway, just reward for an area that's been putting on the hard yards, doing the basics before attempting the flash. I want to see a team thats suffered finally turn the corner, I want to have the good time that Chiefs fans last year had - albeit with a happier ending.

The other reason I'm such a Highlanders fan is the Magpies. Hawke's Bay rugby supporters have a complex. Some describe it as a sense of entitlement, but it's really more one of desperation. Hawke's Bay fans really didn't cope with being in the 2nd Division. But what was really hard was getting so close to promotion and never actually making it. It doesn't take too many years before you start seeing rule changes as being deliberately designed to keep you out. And every player having success in another team would have been the key to being promoted.

These were dark and horrible times, and I should know - I grew up in the Hawke's Bay. Other than the All Blacks, when I was a kid, you wanted to be in the Magpies. Guys from my high-school played for them, hell my old Head Boy Michael Johnston is still running around the paddock. So, with the use of so many Hawke's Bay players and our coach, its only natural that I want to see the Highlanders do well. Because if there's anything a fan of Hawke's Bay rugby needs, its validation that we actually are ok, and really do deserve to be in the top flight.

What a game the Crusaders v Highlanders match was. Weirdly, whenever the Highlanders play the Crusaders I get a sense of confidence about the victory out of all proportion to reality. I actually expect them to win every time. And had a couple of calls gone the way of the Highlanders we might have seen a different result - particularly when viewed with the hindsight of knowing what the one-eyes were going to bring the next week against the Reds.

I have to apologise though, as despite being the pseudo-fan that I am, I didn't actually manage to catch much of the game vs the Blues. Instead I was drinking Tsingtao and having a great dinner at Longxiang. So I can't help but feel a little bit personally responsible for their loss to the Blues, especially because its the Blues who haven't been a great team in some time.

If only the Highlanders could bring the passion they have when they play the Crusaders to every game, things might be different for their fans. Even a sort of, but not really fan like myself.

I'm still looking for someone to do the Blues. Leave your nomination in the comments section if you're keen.

If you haven't seen it yet there's a video doing the rounds on the internet at present, the newest video in a long line of videos of fights on American public transport. Put simply a racial disagreement escalates, quickly.

The key moment in this that's attracted a lot of attention on 4chan and the like is the line 'bring da amberlamps'. In honour of this the Dropkicks is starting the Bring Da Amberlamps Hall of Fame [henceforth known as Amberlamps HOF]. Each time I see a big hit in the Super 14, I'll post it up as a nominee. At the end of the season, we get to vote for one inductee.

Without a doubt, the first-ever Amberlamps HOF nomination has to be Aaron Cruden.

In last week's Hurricanes/Blues game Cruden came off the bench in place of Willie Ripia. I've said in the past that I'm a bit wary of putting too much faith in Wellington's new wunderkid first-five, after the amount of times this faith has been unrewarded in the past. His first touch of the ball didn't do a lot to change my mind either:

[Thanks to Rugbydump for the clip]

For the record, Cruden went great against the Force. And I think the Hurricanes have a great idea, handing Weepu the kicking duties. It's clear they want Aaron to focus on his ground game - something the 'Canes have lacked in a 10 - before getting him hunting down Carter's point scoring record.

You may delay, but time will not - Benjamin Franklin.

You may wonder how this applies to this post. It's pretty simple really: I began drafting this piece on the 5th of January. I'm now rushing through to publish it, before the Hurricanes v Blues match kicks off tonight. Over a month, and I've still not got it done. And the annoying thing is is that I had predicted the injuries to Ali Williams and Sione Lauaki. Yes, you caught me, I'm Robbie Deans.

Oh hush in the corner with your protestations that it's cricket season. NZ Cricket have done all they can to disprove that myth - First by making sure the BLACKCAPS played an international match in every month of 2009 except July, and then by not playing a single game over the summer holiday period.

The Super 14's a month away and the players and I are getting excited for it. While it's hard to predict what'll happen in a season [The Chiefs in the semis and final? How did that happen?] I'm giving it a shot.

Blues:
Having signed Alby Mathewson and Stephen Brett they'll struggle to get a crowd along to their 7.35pm games on Friday, until the Auckland City Council makes it illegal for cafes to be open. The signing of Brett can go two ways:
In the first scenario, Brett will be an astute kicker, as he has been over the past three seasons and Grant Fox will consider himself qualified to speak up about a player who is playing a different style of game to the rugby union he grew up with.. In the second, Brett will struggle to adjust to the more open, flowing style of Blues rugby and Grant Fox will consider himself qualified to speak up about a player who is playing a different style of game to the rugby union he grew up with.
Isaia Toeava, Josevata Rokcoko and Rene Ranger will have every single mistake they make jumped upon, while players who actually don't do much in their positions, like Paul Williams, escape the evil eye.

Excited about:
The prospective backline of Mathewson, Brett, McAlister, Toeava and Stanley.

Not looking forward to:
The performance of the Blues being used to gauge the 'health' of New Zealand rugby. Ali Williams getting injured and releasing another book, detailing how he's gonna quit the game and become a coach instead.

Brumbies: ['Cause they're the only Aussie team worth giving a damn about]
The return of prodigal son Matt Giteau to the capital territory will give the Brumbies an anchor in the backline. He'll also bring back something from the West Coast that the Brumbies have been lacking in the past few seasons - style. No, not the hair gel kind, though him and Adam A-s-h-l-e-y-C-o-o-p-e-r will go through their share, and Stirling Mortlock's, but an ability to use the ball that the Brumbies' rumbling forward pack consistently dishes up.

Excited about:
Seeing what the best Australian side [on paper] can dish up in the new season.

Not looking forward to:
Stirling Mortlock suffering another serious injury, only this time deciding to retire.

Chiefs:
All through the off-season I've pondered something. Were the Chiefs of '09 really that good? Sure, the Bulls would have beaten any S4 team that day [and probably a few tier-1 national teams, let's be honest] but looking back on the Chiefs' season, I can't really remember anything standout. Beating the 'Canes twice was a good effort, but take away that try-fest against the Blues and what was there? Injuries. Injuries, injuries, injuries. The Chiefs have been plauged with them over the past few years, and always to key players. How Richard Kahui bounces back from his shoulder injury will be a key focus for the Chiefs - but I suspect he'll be fine, so all you girls can lower your heart rate now - and which do they use at first-five, Donald or Delany? And if you do the 'just chuck one at 2nd-five' option favoured by many pundits, what do you do with Sweeney, Willison and Callum Bruce? Not to mention that they have Sivivatu, Masaga, Muliaina and one of my favourite underdogs, Tim Nanai-Williams to choose from in the back three. TN-W can play at FB while Mils has his rest period at the start, but after that? It almost seems like the Chiefs administration is banking on some injuries...

Excited about:
To be honest, not much on field. I'm excited about this though, and hoping it leads to some good stats I can use. Also, seeing Sione Lauaki get injured is always a positive for NZ rugby. The quality of the Chiefs play seems to improve when he's out.

Not looking forward to:
The fact the Chiefs have six loose fowards... There'll be some frustration while lineups are sorted out no doubt.

Crusaders:
There's something different about rugby in the flatlands. You can have an off year, with the media and public jumping down your throat and writing you off because you've got a 'rookie' coach and your best player's injured, but still 4th. Is that really a bad year? There wasn't too much impressive about the Crusaders last season, they just trucked along and bored the opposition to death with their stiff defence. This year though they've got some top attacking talent - Robbie Fruean is in for Casey Laulalalalala, and along with Zac Guildford he's flying down from Wellington to play with Colin Slade in his sandpit - and Dan Carter is back on top of his game. And then you look at the forward pack - that same forward pack that gets you in shit for making mistakes, and causes you to lose the game, even though you've held the ball for twice as long as them. And have done this for about three years. Same shit, different year really.

Excited about:
Diva Dan doin' his thang. Nobody makes line breaks look so beautiful. Oh, and seeing them without that shitty sword thing on their jersey.

Not looking forward to:
Getting my hopes up for the 'Canes, only to have the Crusaders beat us in the semis or final again.

Highlanders:
Oh, the whipping boys of the naysayers, the Highlanders manage to operate without too much scrutiny. They've actually got a decent team, similar to the Blues really. But who's getting more exposure? Yeah, that's right, the fucking Aucklanders. How do you piss off a bunch of guys from the South? Show them that a bunch of Aucklanders think they're better than them. Yeah, Peter Russell, GTFO, I just took your job.
I actually think the Highlanders will have a great season if they can stay injury free. They should beat the Aussie teams - with the exception of the Brumbies maybe - and South Africans. They've had dominance over the Crusaders, and Hurricanes [bar the score at the final whistle] for the past two seasons. They just need to stop running out of steam in the final quarter really.

Excited about:
The dark-horse chances of this Motley Crue from Southland, Otago, Hawke's Bay and Manawatu making the post-season.

Not looking forward to:
The naysayers saying the Highlanders are shit and should be scrapped from the competition.

Hurricanes:
Alphabetical order [and myself] have saved the best for last. We made the finals once, you know. But my memory of that match is kinda foggy. The stories are all set in place to make 2010 the Hurricanes' year. 'Win one for Coop!' the headlines will scream. Aaron Cruden is central to our title hopes this year. Not to put too much pressure on the boy, but it's been fucking yonks since we've had a 1st-5 who can run the ball and kick it. Combine him with the All Black studded backline [Former AB Piri Weepu, and last year's team members Conrad Smith, Ma'a Nonu, Tamati Ellison, Hosea Gear and Cory Jane] and he should have a decent season. If he comes right, he'll have a championship winning season. For now, he's just gotta focus on taking the top spot on the team from Willie Ripia.

Excited about:
Seeing Cory Jane tweet from the field in the game against the Cheetahs.

Not looking forward to:
Failure to live up to my expectations. They're not unrealistic, are they?

I got this book for Christmas from a family member who knows I'm into sport, but not really much else. The intention was there, so that's what matters.

Once the morning activities were done, I sat down to read this before lunch. And finished it before lunch. I'm a quick reader at the best of times, but I got through this in about an hour and a half.

Why? Because it's written like someone without a single inkling of literary style. I've not read one of James Griffins books before - nor do I know if he has any - but holy crap this was terrible to read. Everything was written really large like, with lots of pictures, because clearly everyone who reads this is a rugby 'boofhead' [as Ali refers to everyone not on his agenda] and can't read little words. On top of this, there's this annoying thing where every page or two the writing will split and there'll be one of those enlarged quotes like you see in the newspaper... Except in this book, that's part of the writing. It's fucked. It's annoying. It's horrid.

It was almost enough, at one point, to make me give up. But I didn't, because I was spurred on by the promise of something good. And there are gems in here - like the story about getting injured playing touch on Eden Park in the nude, the day before the All Blacks were selected and Steve Hansen refusing to take him unless he fessed up. Or when 'ABC and ABD' came to visit him in hospital. Or flying RC planes and helicopters with noted aviator Richie McCaw. At one stage, Dan Carter is described in a way which now has me thinking of him as a modern-day Dennis the Menace [which he totally would be]. The best highlight for me was the revisiting of that try Doug Howlett scored against the Wallabies. You know, the one where Ali put up that gracious, precise floater and Howlett literally just caught it and fell over to score the try. God that was a beauty.

But there wasn't enough. Repeating a story about Keith Robinson meeting the Queen that was published in the media at the time wasn't enough. Not naming players in stories wasn't enough.

And as well as the quote style, I got more and more fucked off with the practice of starting a story and ending it with 'but that's a story for another time'. No it's fucking not. I got this book for free, but other people have paid for it. They haven't paid for you to not tell stories.

I liked Ali before this, as a player and a personality. I still like him as a player, no matter what Hadyn's stats suggest about his fluctuating workrate, and I think he's been remarkably unlucky with his injuries. But next time you release a book, please either keep the style informal, like it is here, and only have 'funny' anecdotes [spoiler alert: 90% of the time in this book, the 'funny' stories relate to him being pissed] or the more insular, personal style like in the bits talking about the 2007 RWC loss or the feud with David Nucifora. Not both. Because as it stands now, this book is annoying in three different ways and I sure as hell won't recommend anyone buy it. I'd loan it to friends who are interested, but I'd warn people against buying it.

So my son, you've decided from my exposure of American sports that you want to start following a team. You don't know which one to choose, so you pick the one with the cool pirate logo/player who sets the most records/team which won last year. STOP!

Because I really, really care about you [and Dom too], I've done a team-by-team comparison of the NZ Super Rugby teams and revealed their Baseball, Basketball and American Football equivalents, so you can get that true patriotic feeling rather than just blindly following a side for no real reason.

You've captured my attention, take me to the article!

I caught a look at the 2010 Super 14 uniforms to be used by the New Zealand teams yesterday and I was not impressed. I'm not going to try and water it down. They're pretty damn awful.

Firstly, what happened to the whole 'adidas only release a new uniform every second year' thing that was in the press last year? Yes, the signing of BNZ means that new uniforms are needed. But look at the Canterbury jersey! Notice anything missing? And it's not entirely obvious from the terrible pictures I can find, but it looks like the 'watermark' motifs of last year's jersies have gone the same way as the sword - but I'm not entirely confident to say that.

All the other jerseys appear to be the same except - Oh wait! The BNZ logo!

We were lucky in the past that the Ford logo just seemed to fit on the jerseys. But why do the Chiefs have a white version when there's no white on their uni? [except names and numbers on the back] Why are the Hurricanes the odd ones out with blue? Is there not a black option?

Obviously the white is just a ploy to get maximum exposure on the telly, but it looks horrible, is it day-glo or is it just shiny white?

The Chiefs should be able to have a yellow version for home and away, because their strip has gone from being the best in town to looking filthy [their away strip is even worse].

The Hurricanes and Crusaders would look better with a black logo for their home shirts, and the Cru could do with a red option for their away strip because while it may stand out in that first photo, when the camera flash doesn't bounce back it is almost invisible, which makes me wonder what it'll look like in the sun, or when a strip is lightly caked in mud. The Highlanders away jersey may look ok with blue, while the home strip could utilise the yellow decal as well.

Secondly, what is with rugby uniforms and putting logos on the chest? Sure that's where the market who watch rugby just to check out the players [and no, and now that I've got your attention, here's what I know you're after], but if you think about it, most of the time in rugby brodcast players are a. On the ground in a ruck or b. running with the ball. And holding it across their chest. Why not put your logo on the stomach and lower back? Then you get exposure from two angles, and mostly unimpeded.

I want to know how this design fiasco happened. The NZ Super Rugby teams have had really good strips since the Super 14 expansion, but this new batch look like they were put out with no thought. BNZ has its corporate colours, yes, but why not make some room for the teams which are going to be representing you? This is an example of the private sector barging its way into rugby without giving a shit about the fans - and it's a worrying sign.

PS: Could Stephen Brett be the first NZ Super 14 player to model jersies for two different teams in two years?