Hello and welcome to this test between the All Blacks and Samoa.

Sione Lauaki's on the bench? WTF? Has he got photos of Graham Henry or something? How on earth did he get back in the team?

Mils scores the first try! He was born in Samoa, don't you know. So really it's Samoa 5, New Zealand 2. Filipo Levi, Samoan captain, still has his Otago mouthguard. So if he scores, we will count it for New Zealand.

Comical Ali is pinged for offside at a ruck and Samoa get their first chance for points. Which they miss. Never mind, they are still in front.

Well, they were, because Adam Thomson has just scored in the corner. I don't think he was born in Samoa, his name doesn't have two vowels in a row. Samoa 5, New Zealand 7.

Now some passing and kicking and tackling and woo-hoo, more points for Samoa! Mils in again in the corner, making it hard for Dan Carter, but he gets it, because he is the second coming. Samoa back in front, 10 points to 9.

Now, more kicking, passing, tackling and New Zealand back in front thanks to Smith! Well, you you can't get any more non-Samoan than that name. Dan slots it. New Zealand back in front, 16 points to 10.

More kicking, more passing, more...losing the ball forwards. Nonu, Nonu, Nonu. Did you forget to attach your hands this morning?

Oh, and what's that? Samoa score a try! Number 10, Uale Mai! And he kicks the conversion! Samoa back in front! 17 to 16!

More passing, more kicking, some tackling and Agent Smith in again! Bang, there goes Samoa's lead. Silly lineout throw by Samoa on their own line. Nice hook back by So'oialo. And Carter gets the conversion. New Zealand 23 points to Samoa's 17.

Rudi Wulf, or possibly his son, is on the wing as Tuitavake is taken off with a head-knock.

Passing, tackling, kicking, scrumming. Oh no! Number 9 for Samoa is in the naughty bin for 10 minutes after being caught offside at a scrum. Jimmy Cowan makes the most of the short numbers to score in the corner. Cowan was born in Gore, which isn't in Samoa. And Carter kicks it. 30-17.

Kicking, passing, another kick, pass it! And now Muliaina scores again! Yes! Samoa strikes back! And Carter...Carter...Carter gets the conversion for New Zealand. New Zealand 32, Samoa 22.

And that's half time.

Ads, ads, more ads, another ad. Halftime stats. Ad, ad, ads, ad.

Here we are, back for the second half. Carter's off. Replaced by Donald (not born in Samoa). And probably Muliaina off, because Toeava's on. But that's OK, because Toeava's Samoan.

Kick off. Catch, pass, tackle, tackle, run, kick, pass, etc. And Kahui scores in the corner. Not Samoan, but we've decided to expand our ethnic groups here, so we'll give it to the Māori. Anglo-Saxon-Celtic-Etc NZ 32, Samoa 22, Māori 5. And Donald misses the conversion.

Substitute time. Mealamu's on, Hore's off. Lauaki's on, So'oialo's off. Mealamu assumes the captaincy, we assume.

Kick, pass, tackle, pass, pass, run, pass, tackle. Donald scores in the corner. Aaaaannd...gets the conversion. Anglo-Saxon-Celtic-Etc NZ 39, Samoa 22, Māori 5.

More substitutes. Tialata on for Woodcock. Cowan off for Weepu.

Kick, run, pass, pass, tackle, tackle, pass, run. Pass. Some big lanky white guy scores for the All Blacks. And Donald gets the conversion. Anglo-Saxon-Celtic-Etc NZ 46, Samoa 22, Māori 5.

More rugby stuff happens. And Kaino goes in in the corner. Did you know Kaino was born in American Samoa? Well, now you do. American Samoa is kind of like Samoa. So Normans-Franks-various-others NZ 46, Samoa 27, Māori 5. But Donald gets the conversion to save some face for the Angles and the Celts, etc. So European NZ 48, Samoa 27, Māori 5.

That blessed rugby thing happens again. And now, a penalty try! ABs were going for the pushover, but Samoa cheat. Fair enough call. I think Australia was feeling left out, so Stu Dickinson gets himself some points. Donald kicks the conversion. EuroNZ 50, Sāmoa 27, Māori 5, Australia 5.

Rugby. Rugby. More rugby. Atomic wedgie! Tialata grabs some guys shorts and yanks upwards. Rugby, more rugby. Yet more rugby.

Yawwn! Not much happening, apart from the rugby...hang on! Toeava scores! More points for Samoa. Non-Samoan-Non-Māori-Non-Australian NZ 50, Samoa 32, Māori 5, Australia 5. And Donald gets the conversion. NZ 52, Samoa 32, Māori 5, Australia 5.

Passing. Kicking. More passing. Piri Weepu scores under the sticks!! NZ 52, Samoa 32, Māori 10, Australia 5. Donald got the conversion. NZ 54, Samoa 32, Māori 10, Australia 5.

Tackle. Tackle. Tackle FFS. Oh my goodness, Samoa come out of nowhere for a try!! What a great try. And they sink the conversion. NZ 54, Samoa 39, Māori 10, Australia 5.

Now, that is the most ridiculous try I've ever seen. Kahui finally puts it over the line after Williams and at least four other All Blacks, it may have been as many as 18, get to the line and decide, nah, don't want to score a try and pass it back to someone in a worse position. Kahui says "What are you doing?" and falls over the line. With the ball. For a try. Possibly he didn't mean to do that. Maybe he just lost his balance. Donald gets to kick for the century. For real that's 101-14, but on our alternative score board: NZ 56, Samoa 39, Māori 15, Australia 5. Not a bad effort from Samoa, there. And people said they were too inexperienced to make much of an impression. Typical Australia barging in on the action as well.

An amusing jaunt before the virtual Tri-Nations final in ten days time.